You Better Check Yo Self Before You Wreck Yo Self

My, the Internet is full of deluded narcissist. Men are guilty of exaggerating, too, but the ladies have lost all sense of direction, further and further away from reality the longer her profile is up.
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To the women who are Extraordinary/Unique
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If you claim to be an "extraordinary" person, and your advertisement starts with the sentence, "Not your ordinary, average, everyday girl", then you need to provide detailed information to support your claim. An ambassador to the UN? A gifted cook with a limitless repository of recipes? A social worker with multiple extracurricular talents? A world record holder in a non-frivolous category? A trivia hound who bests intelligent people, not just truck drivers and bartenders? In other words, if you are a champion in hot-dog eating contests, you can be virtually guaranteed that you will not attract any of those elusive extraordinary men.

On the other hand, if you claim that you "see the world differently", that's effectively useless, because *lots* of people claim to "see things differently". Remember: you're unique...just like everyone else (that reality feels deflating, doesn't it?). Don't write that you are extraordinary unless you have something convincing to support such a claim. Stating that you are unique implies a lot but actually proves nothing because every person on this planet can make the same claim.

Years ago I met a cardinal in Rome who spoke 16 languages. He was truly a remarkable man as well as exceptional. Also, Albert Einstein didn't go around introducing himself as a genius. Get the picture now?


Women who seek smart men and think men are morons
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Answer (for yourself) the following questions:
1) do you think men are arrogant when their vocabulary is more extensive than yours?
2) do you think men are morons when their knowledge of English is more limited than yours?
3) what about men whose knowledge level is the same as yours?
4) do you assume that you always know more than almost any man because so many men are stupid?

If the answer to number 4 is "yes", then don't you see the irony in your quest to find an intelligent man? As a simple example, many people who are native English speakers do not know the meaning of "pluperfect subjunctive". (Many of those people are men and yes, some of them are "even" women.)

Are you one of those people? Here's a simple solution: since you're connected to the Internet, why don't you launch another browser session and search Google for "pluperfect subjunctive" so that you can find out what it means? What's stopping you from learning something new right now? Then, after you've learned its meaning, you'll never ever be flustered again when you see "pluperfect subjunctive". Knowledge conquers ignorance, and since all of us have some of both, it's a question of how much we lean toward the former and away from the latter, nicht wahr? Perhaps you feel contempt toward most (all?) men because you are surrounded by men of limited intellect and you yearn for intelligent men. In your quest for someone who is very knowledgeable and intelligent, you might inadvertently find yourself in a situation where the roles are reversed, in which case the man sitting across from you feels contempt for *you*. Do you respond by convincing yourself that he's "arrogant"? Suddenly you don't feel quite so erudite and intelligent (and for good reason). How does it feel to become the object of the scorn that you generously heaped on other people?

Women who supposedly speak Spanish, Tagalog, Serbian, etc.
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Growing up *hearing* these languages in your home or in your community with a high foreign-born population doesn�t make you fluent in them. Understanding a few tourist phrases or even being able to utter them ("C'est la vie" is hardly an obscure phrase) doesn�t mean you can communicate. If your mother is � Serbian how much of the language would you have actually learned in your youth? If you can actively express yourself in another language, even if badly, then you can say that you know it. (Dead languages don�t count.)

Women who feel "very confident"
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Did your heart skip a beat when you read the article in which Brad Pitt mentioned that he finds "confidence is extremely sexy in a woman?" Before you jump for joy, did you ignore the fact that all the examples he gave were women whose looks rivaled those of Angelina Jolie and not a single one looked like Mother Teresa (may she rest in peace)?

Despite the fact that confidence is one of those things that is difficult to quantify and can make a significant difference in your desirability, you need to realistically assess your looks; i.e., do you rate closer to Angelina Jolie or to Mother Teresa on the beauty scale? In the former case, you don't have much to worry about (by the way, why are you looking for dates online?), whereas in the latter case, I'm sorry to tell you that it's highly unlikely that you'll bed Brad Pitt.

If you think this is trivial/irrelevant, consider the number of women who post on W4M and describe themselves as "sexy", "beautiful", and "hot", and yet when you look at them you either feel sorry for them or you need to stifle your laughter?

Women who use "words" that are not words in English
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"Interpretation" and "conversation" are English words, whereas "interpretate" and "conversate" are not (it's "interpret" and "converse"). If you're not sure of the correct spelling for a word, check an on-line dictionary before using that word in a post, especially if you "admonish" others for "big words", "obfuscation" (see below), and incorrect spelling. The Bard (you know, Shakespeare) wrote "between you and I" in "The Merchant of Venice", even though it's grammatically incorrect (it's "between you and me"). However, there are very few Shakespeares on match.com, so any attempt on your part to imply that that you are some sort of literary giant will make you the butt of many jokes. If you're going to use colloquialisms, for God's sake use them correctly or don't use them at all, unless it involves deliberately exaggerated misspellings. So, you can get away with writing "dood" or "fo' shizzzle", but not "that's really deff" nor "on the dee ell".

Incidentally, if you don't know any language other than English, obviously you won't notice misspelled foreign words/phrases. One person wrote "Please don�t try to impress me with pretentious obfuscation and lots of big words", and then mentioned that she had put herself "on a reading program ala Hutchins". In case you didn't already know, it's written as two words: "a l�" and not "ala". Maybe it was a case of "fat fingering", but she also mentioned that she had been writing "for more than a quarter of a century" and since nothing else in her post was misspelled, it suggests that she did not know the correct spelling. In most cases this would be unimportant; however, if you insist that you're literate and even "brilliant" (more common than you think), then make certain that you spell foreign terms correctly, otherwise you will undermine yourself in the eyes of those types who you want to respond to your post. Why do you think those "super intelligent" men who you're seeking don't respond to you?

Supplemental list of incorrectly spelled foreign words: "etal" instead of "et al", "per say" instead of "per se" (have you ever seen someone write "say la vie" instead of "c'est la vie"? it's like nails on a blackboard to me), "viola" instead of "voila". If you don't know Latin, French, or any other language, don't use words from those languages, lest you risk appearing guilty of being pretentious or suffering from hilarious incompetence.

pre-ten-tious. making claim to or creating an appearance of (often undeserved) importance or distinction

While we're on this topic, a few more words: "Adi�s" is a concatenation of "a" and "Dios", and it's pronounced "a-DYOS" instead of "ADDY-os"; "sayonara" is pronounced "sa-yoh-nar-a" (no stress anywhere) instead of "sa-yo-NA-ra"; "chablis" is "sha-BLEE" instead of "CHAB-bliss"; "facade" is "fa-SAWD" instead of "fa-KADE" (there's a diacritical mark, called a cedilla, under the letter "c"); "comprende" is "com-PREN-deh" instead of "com-PREN-day".

Trivial details, you say? Maybe, maybe not. If you use words (be they English or foreign) incorrectly, there are lots of people who will notice, and if one of those people is someone you're trying to impress, then it will backfire. Instead of impressing that other person, you will probably appear pretentious, vain, and even stupid (watch for the unexpected smile on his face). Why would the super intelligent man of your dreams reply to someone who writes as badly as you? Why would a man who invested 10 or more years in graduate/professional school or is truly brilliant otherwise be attracted to an obvious fake and lightweight such as yourself?

Women who use words incorrectly
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There is a difference between "verses" and "versus", so when you post an advertisement with the title "Men: what they say verses what they do", you've already lost your case.

As a second example, here's the first sentence of a W4M advertisement: "Appreciation is extended to you for reading my post before I launch into a dissertation about myself, coming off as an arrogant gal with high standards." Nice introduction and disclaimer about herself.

Later she mentioned that she wants "someone who has a staunch work ethic". If you look in the dictionary you'll find that "staunch" means "loyal" (e.g., a "staunch supporter") or "stop" (e.g., "staunch the flow of blood). Evidently she means "a strong work ethic," but somehow she slipped in the word "staunch", which is incorrect. Does she think that her advertisement will make her appear articulate and intelligent?

If you're not sure of the meaning of a particular word, it's so incredibly easy to search an on-line dictionary that there is no valid excuse for using words incorrectly (and besides, who else is going to know you checked a dictionary?)

Which one is correct: "a man that..." or "a man who..."? If you aren't sure, remember to use the following rule as your guide: use "who" for people and "that" for inanimate objects and animals. If you claim to be educated and literate, then for God's sake do not write sentences that include "a man that" anywhere in your advertisement. You're just making transparent your own illiteracy and inflated sense of self.

I know I'm nitpicking, but let's move on.

Women who write "I'm Very Picky"
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This makes you sound like a child because children "pick" at their food (hence, they are "picky"). Parents, of course, know that the food is good for their children, but their children are too immature to understand. If you think that being "picky" means that you have high standards, remember that there's a very short distance between being "picky" and being perceived as "bitchy". If someone (i.e., a guy) tells you that you're picky and says it as though it were a compliment, he's probably in high school, which is where people start thinking it's really cool to be "picky". If you're in your twenties and a male is also your age (or older) and he compliments you for being "picky", then his mind is probably still functioning at the high school level, so if you decide to give it up to him, that's not being very picky, is it? Save your "pickiness" for your food and your nose.

Things that men ignore (aka Details Men Don't Care About)
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* Eye color. Heterosexual men *never* discuss the eye color of their girlfriend/fianc�e/wife. This detail is far too specific for them. OTOH, if you mention "full lips", then you'll catch their attention (duhhhh). Your eyes might be very striking to your girlfriends, but men are too busy looking at other parts of your body and figuring out how good you are in bed.

* Long walks on the beach. To men this translates as "yah, the usual bullshit". Note that this is not necessarily a pejorative; it's just that most (heterosexual) men spend very little time thinking to themselves, "gee, I wish I could take a long walk on the beach right now". If you include enough of these sorts of details, it's likelier that men will start wondering just how high-maintenance you actually are.

* I like to laugh. Really??? Who doesn't like to laugh? Does this need to be stated? Because they state this as if they are separating themselves from the rest of the entire human race, these women must honestly believe that there is a good percentage of people out there who do not appreciate humor. Thanks for narrowing it down. This is comparable to submitting a resume with the line "I like to work" or "I'm a people person." "Getting along" is considered a minimal expectation in almost any job. In a similar fashion, "I like to laugh" provides no additional value. When you mention that you are looking for a man who is "whitty", do you want a guy to do a Walt Whitman impersonation? (Do you even know who Walt Whitman is?)

Or the women who are looking for someone to make them laugh. Why do women need someone to make them laugh? Are the women that dense that they need others to find humor for them? I guess since most women do not have developed senses of humor this is kind of a requirement to keep humor in their lives.

* "I have a sarcastic sense of humor". "Sarcastic" is one of the worst words that you can use in an advertisement. Why? Find a dictionary and read the meaning of this word. Psychologists will tell you that sarcasm can be hostility disguised as humor. If this is truly what you want, then sarcasm is the right choice of words. If you mean "playful banter" or something to that effect, then say so.

The words you use can reveal your level of formal education. "Stuck-up" tends to be used by people who did not go beyond high school. "Arrogant" is used by undergraduates and "elitist" is more often used by post-graduates. This is just a rule-of-thumb and not an absolute rule. If you graduated from college and your advertisement contains "dosen't", "your" instead of "you're", "loose" instead of "lose", then some people will notice these inaccuracies, and they will wonder where you graduated and if your major was basket weaving. While you don't need to provide droll examples of the pluperfect subjunctive, try to spell things correctly, especially if you are specifically asking for "super intelligent" or "cerebral" men, because they would notice the irony of your own misspellings, have a laugh and then move to the next profile.

"Chemistry"
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If you provide an extensive wish list of requirements for a man and then include "chemistry" at or near the end of your advertisement, most men will think that it's not a high priority for you. Consequently, the ugly Nobel Laureate who read your advertisement will think that he has a chance with you. If you really do want someone who is attractive and think that intelligence will not compensate for ugliness, then you need to be more honest about the importance of chemistry to you. No, you're not a slut because you want a hottie, and you don't have to apologize because it's important to you. It's important to everyone, and those who deny it are lying. If you don't know how to mention chemistry in a direct-yet-tasteful manner, read some of the other posts (or ask your girlfriends).

Women who post because they want attention
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A woman who posted an advertisement mentioned that she liked wearing short skirts and high heels, which immediately got the attention of a lot of men. She got tons of replies, and then posted her advertisement a *second* time, saying how "great" the responses were from the first one, almost as if it was going to take her years to meet all the men. If they were so great, then why did she post a second time shortly after the first one? She gave her phone number to men and when they called her she spent most of the time talking about how "difficult" and "challenging" it was to figure out which men she wanted to pursue. She spent her time talking about herself and her "challenges" and didn't really find out much about the men, except whether or not they were patient enough to listen to her rambling about this, that, and the other. Consequently, she didn't determine which men were really suitable. You don't necessarily feel any "chemistry" (ahem) when you meet someone who has patiently listened to you on the telephone (he might have loads of submerged issues).

Other women have written, sometimes extensively, about their special "skills" or even fetishes. American men are a prurient and sex-starved lot. Can you imagine the attention these women receive? Are they dry hustling?And after 1 year they're still on these sites, their quest for a sexy, gut-bustingly humorous, intelligent and wealthy partner seemingly endless and futile.

The point is simple: they wanted lots of attention from men and knew how to get it. The shotgun approach can work well for you (i.e., provoke a ton of replies and sift through them to find the gem). If you are primarily interested in a friend, then say so. If it's probably going to take a considerable amount of time before you become intimate, then mention this point as well. Sure, the attention is great, but after a while the repetitiveness of the phone-calls with man after man after man will probably wear thin for you (and if that happens, don't be surprised if you still feel unfulfilled), unless you're a helpless attention whore.

Omitting common details or using euphemisms
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If you simply mention "I'm 5'6" tall" and don't specify your weight, men will think that you're hiding something (e.g., you weigh 300 pounds). It takes a great deal of courage to be specific on this point, so it's not a criticism if you're a bit vague. BBW is a classic acronym/euphemism. However, if you mention that you are "generous of flesh and heart", you are not fooling anyone except yourself. Up-front honesty will spare you a great deal of wasted time, unpleasant encounters, and recriminations.

To the women with Very High Standards
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Yes, you want a terrifically handsome, intelligent, successful man who will shower you with attention (and maybe also gifts and trips abroad) and spoil you with terrific sex. Do you have the attributes that would make such a man interested in you as more than another conquest? Don't you think that he also has high expectations of what he wants in a woman? Are you looking for such a man because a) your girlfriends have hotties, b) you want excitement in your life, c) you think it will make you feel better about yourself? If the answer to any of these is 'yes'; then you are destined for disappointment.

By the way, if you mention that you like "dimonds" and "miniture golf", then men will think you are a person with a blue-collar background or a bimbo. Be assured that the men who meet your Very High Standards will know how to spell "diamonds" and "miniature" correctly, so if you're not a hottie who loves sex, what else do you have to offer them? Obviously, it's not your spelling skills, and probably not your multiple advanced degrees, either.

Psychologists will tell you that it's more realistic to look for someone whose socio-economic status is similar to your own. Is that too boring for you? According to Woody Allen, "90ife is just showing up", and if you don't believe that that's true, it might partially explain why you feel dissatisfied with your life.

To the women who "Intimidate Men"
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There are lots of heterosexual men with little or no self-confidence and they walk around as if they are afraid of their own shadow. I had an acquaintance who frequently mentioned to people, "men find me intimidating". It was obviously a compliment for her. Men fed her that compliment because they thought it would help their chances to get into her pants, not because they felt intimidated by her. If you walk around believing that you intimidate men (and it might even be true), what are your chances of finding a suitable man? Does it make you feel like a bad ass to be perceived as intimidating? How does it feel to be intimidating and all by yourself? What if you meet a guy you like but you're intimidated by him? Then what are you going to do? So, go easy on the intimidation thing, and focus on being a person who is not easily intimidated by others, and maybe your chances of finding a man will improve.

Hobbies
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Shopping, shoes and Oprah are not hobbies! These don't sharpen your mind or teach you new skills. These are passive, brainless activities. If you don't have any interests why should anyone be interested in you?

Women who claim to be "world travellers"

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Hawaii, Cancun and Jamaica. Those aren't exactly in the far-flung corners of the globe. Most likely you stayed in a resort with little exposure to another culture or even the native inhabitants, other than those who bring your drinks or wash your linens.

And seeing the world from the upper deck of a cruise liner doesn't count, either. Just because you disembark for a few hours to buy tchotchkes at a colorful location it doesn't mean you're exposed to a different lifestyle. (Isn't great not to have to speak another language?)

To the women who cannot spell correctly
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Consider the snippet from someone who used "burnett" in the title of her advertisement: "Attractive burnett 47, looking for someone exceptional...looking for someone who is well educated and dynamic". This woman is forty-seven years old and still cannot correctly spell the word that describes her hair color, yet she wants someone "exceptional" and "well-educated". WTF??? Is she delusional or just dim-witted? Or what about the 47-year-old woman whose post states that she is "looking for marridge"? These type of posts are even worse than women who post "dating tips" and then capitalize misspelled words in order to make their point emphatically, such as: "Have a CELLUALR PHONE to coordinate a date." Undoubtedly, it's a simple typographical error, yet you need to keep in mind that writing words with UPPERCASE letters is considered SHOUTING AT PEOPLE, okay?

To the women who omit consonants and/or vowels
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Here are the contents of a W4M advertisement, which also included a picture of the person:

"More to love
5'6
blk
eyes: drk brwn
hair: drk brwn
... Man, I feel like I�m trying to describe a missing person. but if you really want to get to know me or whatever it maybe just ask. no games please, thanks and have a wonderful day....."

It was obvious from the picture that she had "dark brown" eyes and hair, yet she omitted details about herself that could not be discerned from her picture. If you have the time and patience to include a picture, why don't you spell "dark brown" instead of "drk brwn"? If you type the latter instead of the former, you've saved yourself the trouble of typing two vowels, which is roughly a 22 avings (rounded to the nearest whole number).

Are you bored or perhaps too "pressed" for time? Do you also write "pls" instead of "please", "w/" instead of "with", and "u" instead of "you"? Do you think this will help you find an "exceptional" man, or are you likelier to find someone who writes the same way you do?

To the women WHO WRITE IN UPPERCASE OR mIxEd cAsE
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AS MENTIONED ABOVE, WRITING UP UPPERCASE IS CONSIDERED SHOUTING AT PEOPLE. Do you want to shout at people or communicate with them?

If YoU WrItE LiKe ThIs, tHeN iT MaKeS yOu ApPeAr tO Be On DrUgS oR UnStAbLe. Here's an actual advertisement: "Hi EVrYone This LisA fRom wEsT HoLlYwOoD. I here ON craIGliSt Cuz i wanNa MEet A hot GUy tOniGht. SO iF u aRe HOt EmaiL me BAcK with a Pix sO i Can RepLy. bYe"

Do you really need any more explanation on either of these points?

To the women who think they're hot, like movies, cuddling, travelling, going to restaurants, love to laugh, and want someone cool to hang out with.
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Ted Kaczynski probably liked cuddling. Goebbels probably did too. Pol Pot liked to laugh. The Wicked Witch of the West liked travelling. Even James Dobson likes to wine and dine while he's busy hating gay people and plotting the resurrection of his dark master. But you know what? They're all very different, very unique people who I would never want to date. And having you say that you possess these traits gives us absolutely no new information and does not distinguish you in any way from the all the deluded, ignorant foolish women previously mentioned. Please, please, PLEASE write something substantial about yourself. Spend at least a little bit of time describing yourself in a way that gives the reader a picture of who you actually are. What you like doing. What you don't. What pisses you off. What you love. What you find funny. What irritates you. What breeds of dog you like to wrestle with. What kind of evil deeds you've done, if any. Even the specific ways in which your job sucks balls would be progress. Read the other "women looking for men" posts and then DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT. Ask yourself why any guy would want to reply to you in particular out of the myriad of personals postings. Will it be because you like to watch movies while cuddling on the couch and eating at restaurants? No, because that's what the last 912 postings said too. Be unique. Don't just offer a laundry list of activities. It would help to know how you look at the world and what makes you tick, and the fact that you "like to hang out with friends" and "read new books" just doesn't cut it. Oh, and by the way, describing yourself should hopefully take more than a few lines. If it doesn't, you are boring, and don't expect anyone to have any interest in talking to you.

To the women who are "Calling it quits"
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This one makes me roll my eyes. When you state that you're "ready to call it quits", what does that mean exactly? You'll stay home forever? You're going to become a lesbian? Move to another country? Kill yourself?

What difference does it make vis-�-vis eligible men whether you're "ready to call it quits" or you've recently entered the dating scene? Also, if you're so ready to quit why does your profile always indicate that you're "active within 24 hours"?

> "It seems unfair."
To whom? You? What about everyone else in the same predicament? Isn't it also "unfair" to them as well? Should they also be "ready to call it quits"? Will they hook up with you and all move into your apartment so you can all stay home together forever?

> "It's not working out."
See above.

While three years undoubtedly seems like a long time to you, keep in mind that there are people who spend almost their entire lives looking for a decent relationship and/or trapped in an abusive one (frightening but true).

Do you think that you're going to get better responses to your advertisement simply because you mentioned that you're "ready to call it quits", almost as if it's a challenge to the men in cyberspace to redeem your faith in the quality of available men?

People can be sympathetic to your situation, but there are far, far worse things that can happen in life. Try using another approach. Better yet, if you've been trying on Yahoo Personals for three years to no avail, perhaps it's time to look elsewhere, n'est-ce pas?

If you know anything about LA, you probably already know that Hollywood is teeming (yes, teeeming, I tell you!) with people who desperately crave attention, and some of them are very rich and very famous. You can look at this in two ways: a) things aren't so bad if even the uber-rich/famous are miserable, or b) there's no chance that you'll find happiness because richer people have failed in the same quest. To quote the oft-quoted clich�: your perception depends on whether you think the cup of life is half full or half empty.

These are some of the factoids about men that you might want to keep in mind as you carefully craft your advertisement. You can produce something really outstanding and noteworthy that you think describes you oh-so-well, and yet you don't get the replies that you expected. If so, then ask yourself the following questions:

* is the ad clear and direct?
* are your expectations realistic?
* did you provide enough information about you?
* did you include minor/useless/irrelevant details?
* did you quickly mention the importance of chemistry?
* are you looking primarily for attention/company?
* did you omit any important details?

Good luck. You need it!

Cause women like you gets no respect
Bitch, you better run a check
-Ice Cube

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Addendum:

Some of my favorite cliches on Women's profiles that come to mind:

"No games Please!""Friends First!"

"....a man comfortable in his own skin."

"Sense of Humor a Must!"

"Searching for my Soulmate"

"Looking for Mr. Right, not Mr. Rightnow!"

"From jeans to tux...", and all its infinite variants...

"knows how to treat a lady..."

"likes to cuddle in front of the TV" (Imagine somehow getting stuck with someone who was against cuddling in front of the TV)

And one of my all-time favorites: "...is able to show up at the door without alcohol on his breath."

More to come...