Another Match.com rant

I would like to offer some suggestions that might help you in your quest to find someone special by translating what you often say into what men think about it:

"Loves to travel" No shit, everyone does. Translation: you want us to take you on exotic vacations at our expense.

"Sweet, sexy, and smarter than you" Translation: you probably think that weeds out the easily intimidated. But no, all you've done is eliminate the men smart enough to avoid your Zoloft-derived inflated self-image.

"Men seem to think I'm attractive so I don't have any trouble getting dates, I just don't like the men I meet out there so I'm giving this a try." Huge bonus points if you post 23 photos showing just how cute, cheery and adorable you look in pictures. Translation: you're an attention whore with crumbling self esteem who needs to be constantly propped up by 200 emails a day reminding you how beautiful you are.

"At 35 I've really gotten over the bar scene." Translation: that's all you ever did the last 14 years.

"Spending time with my friends is really important to me." Translation: you're going to spend almost all your free time with your friends, leaving us with table scraps. Grow up, this isn't high school anymore.

Use up all 1,360 characters in the My Intro section telling us all about what makes you so goddam special. Translation: you're a self-centered neurotic who's far too self-absorbed to be loved by anyone but that yappy little purse dog shown in photos #24, 25, 26, and 27. And no, the pictures aren't cute and neither is your miserable little dog. BTW, any man who says he likes your dog is either lying to you, or gay.

Use up all 1601 characters in the About Your Match section describing men who don't exist. Translation: no man can possibly meet all of your childish fantasies turned into unrealistic adult expectations, which is why you still don't have a boyfriend.

The more you say about how perfect you are and how perfect you expect your match to be, the more likely you are to meet someone who only -thinks- they're just as perfect as you think you are. 3 dates of trying to impress each other with mutual self-delusion will only reinforce your latent hatred of men, draw yourself one step closer into yet another guilt-ridden lesbian relationship, and keep your therapist well employed.

"Body Type - About average" Translation: About average for where, Boise, or Beverly Hills? Please specify. BTW, if you only post tightly cropped head shots we know that you're fat so just say so.

"Body Type - Athletic and toned" Translation: just because you do Pilates, Yoga, and Spin 4 days a weeks doesn't mean you still aren't chunky. Bonus points if you show multiple photos showing your clearly plump physique. Tip: no amount of time in the gym will change the fact you eat too much.

Listing your personal income and the minimal income of your match. Bonus points if the latter is twice as much or more than yours. Translation: you want us to do all the heavy lifting you so you can spend your money on the things that really matter to you, like your shoe collection and "girls night out" three times a week.

Checking "Any" in every box in About My Date section. Translation: you're either incredibly desperate, wildly indiscriminate, or simply enjoy the cruelty in giving false hope to hundreds of men.

One last thing - it's perfectly OK to start communicating with us on your own initiative. If you really are the confident, secure, and strong person you claim to be this shouldn't be a problem for you. Hiding behind the ageless myth that men don't respect women who approach them just makes you a chickenshit.